Conflict Resolution Contrast Process
Unless you live in a cave, you interact with other people. In effect, you have a relationship with each person you interact with. Some of these relationships are marked by friction and conflict. For many of us, our relationships are our greatest source of joy and distress. We are frequently wanting someone else to change so we can feel better. We want the cashier at the store to be nicer to us. We want our mate to treat us with more respect. We want our boss to appreciate our work more. We want our employees to work like they care about the company. The list is endless.
If we are the least bit perceptive, and we have been on the planet for a while, we have come to realize that it is futile to try to change someone else. The only thing we can do is change our reactions to the other person.
But, I hear, "They should change! Look at what they are doing! Look at how they are acting! It's not fair. I shouldn't have to change! They are the ones who need to change!"
I agree, it's not fair. They should change! You can go on a talk show and tell your story and most everyone will agree with you that it is unfair and the other person should change. You can get all kinds of sympathy telling your story about how the other person is making your life miserable. Your social life may even revolve around telling your story to others who have similar stories to tell. You can join on-line chat groups with other like-minded people and rant and rave about how unfair the situation is.
I have to ask, . . . "How's that working out for you? Is your life better because of your efforts to change someone else?" Look at it this way, why do you want them to change? Bottom line, you want them to change so you will feel better.
If you want to feel better; you need to work on the only person in the world that you can change -- you. Here's one way to do that. After years in the counseling field, it is the simplest, most effective way that I have seen. And it only takes a few minutes a day.
To set up the process, tap on the how unfair it is. (Need a refresher on the EFT tapping process? See EFT Basic Steps.)
"Even though it is unfair that I have to change, I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "It's unfair that I have to change."
"Even though I have to put up with [state the transgression], I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "I have to put up with [transgression]."
"Even though they should change, not me, I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "They should change, not me."
"Even though I would have to give up my online chat group (or weekly luncheon) if I didn't have something to complain about, I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "I wouldn't have anything to complain about."
Tap on anything else that comes up that might stop you from completing the following exercise.
The CRC Process
After you have cleared enough of your energy to focus on the relationship, do the following.
1) List 5 things about the other person that you don't like. Things that you wish were different. Tap on each one of them. Here are some examples:
You want your boss to quit criticizing your work. "Even though my boss criticizes me, I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "He/she criticizes me."
If you want your mate to quit putting you down in front of others, your acceptance statement might be: "Even though [name of mate] puts me down in front of others, I deeply and completely accept myself." The reminder phrase would be, "[Name] puts me down in front of others."
After you have tapped all 5 items down to zero or close to zero, you are ready for the next step.
2) List 5 things about the other person that you like/appreciate. Tap on each one without using the acceptance statement. Simply use a reminder statement at each of the tapping points. This is Step 3 in the tapping process. Here are some examples:
"I like that she is so well organized." Say, "Well organized," as you tap each point from the top of the head to under the arm. You can throw in the finger points if you'd like.
"I like that he is so smart."
"I like that he is a good father to our children."
"She is really good with the kids."
"I like how she makes people feel at ease in social situations."
3) Repeat 1) and 2) every day for a couple of weeks. Be on the lookout for the relationships in your life and what you do and don't like about them. Apply EFT tapping to realign your energy system with respect to these situations. Notice how other people treat you differently or disappear from your life.
But wait! That sounds like the other person has changed. I thought we were changing my reactions to the other person, not changing the other person.
Some experts in human behavior (who are lot smarter than me) say people respond to our "emotional tone" or "vibration level." They say that we attract people at the same vibration level as us. Have you ever noticed that when you are in a great mood, the nicest clerks wait on you in stores? The nicest waiters serve you. Other drivers are more courteous. When we are in a grouchy mood, we seem to run across every grouch in town. Like attracts like.
If this is true, when we change ourselves, the world reflects back our changed vibration level. If another person doesn't resonate at that vibration level, they will not be attracted into your life. They will either change to match your vibration level or leave. When we tap on upsetting things in our lives, we change our vibration level and our life changes. The bottom line -- we feel better.
Spend a few minutes a day the next two weeks doing these brief exercises. Let me know how you are doing.
If you haven't taken the Rowe Distress Inventory in a while, I advocate re-taking it every few weeks to keep track on how your emotional life is doing. This way, you can take care of a problem before it becomes an emotional burden, or you can clean up a little more emotional baggage from time to time.
For you golfers, see my mental game website, www.EFTandGolf.com. You can test your mental game strengths and weaknesses there. If you know a golfer, forward this message to them.
Do your friends a favor. Forward this email to them with a personal note about how helpful you find these techniques. They can subscribe to the newsletter here. Let's get the word out. Imagine what this world would be like if every man, woman, and child had the EFT tapping techniques.
A couple of telephone coaching clients are finishing, so I have a few openings coming up. If you need professional help to get past a difficult issue, call me at 888-856-9779 (918-576-8195) for a free telephone consultation. If you want to move your life to the next level, I can provide objective professional support to help you meet your goals.
You all know how powerful the EFT tapping techniques are. Let's take full advantage of these tools.
Jack Eason Rowe, Ph.D.
Author: EFT and Golf: The New Mental Game Manual
and Energy Psychology and the Yips Cure and Prevention